Next week is TV panel show week for Mitchell & Webb, with Rob guesting on Never Mind The Buzzcocks on Thursday 4th December at 9pm on BBC2 while David goes one better by actually hosting Have I Got News For You one day later on BBC1 also at 9. Blimey.

Right, here are some who-is-doing-what-where-when updates:

David Mitchell is recording an Unbelievable Truth at The Shaw Theatre in London on 3rd December but I am at a conference and will also be hungover from a Christmas party but free tickets were on the BBC Tickets site when I blogged this…

Olivia Colman is appearing in England People Very Nice at The Olivier Theatre next February through to April but that’s one you have to pay real money to see…

Armstrong & Bain’s new sitcom The Old Guys is being recorded in Scotland (remember this?) but tickets have all gone and I don’t live in Scotland anyway…

This week’s Observer column:

I felt a bit sorry for the UK Independence party last week, which is a new experience for me. It was put in the humiliating position of having to respond to a British National party overture suggesting that Ukip and the BNP co-operate at the next European election.

This is the political equivalent of being at some do stuck talking to a bigoted drunk with halitosis, who keeps scratching his arse and sniffing and then says: ‘I can tell we’re very much alike. I know where you’re coming from, you know where I’m coming from… let’s be friends.’

Not all compliments, it turns out, are worth having.

Ukip struggles to present itself as a respectable political force with a civilised agenda, rather than a bunch of grouchy extremists who haven’t quite got the courage of their convictions. It has to fight hard to dismiss suggestions from the political mainstream or, as Ukip would probably call it, the left, that they’re basically a little bit envious, a little bit hatey, a little bit weird. The main parties imply that there’s definitely at least the suspicion of racism about them, even if it only manifests itself as limp, stand-offish xenophobia most of the time.

Ukip can reject these insinuations as exactly what the main parties are bound to say about a legitimate potential competitor from the right wing. But this argument falls down when the BNP pitches in and effectively says: ‘Oh yeah, we always assumed you were basically a bunch of racists as well. Not that we mind, obviously.’ When Labour, the Lib Dems, the Tories and the BNP are all agreed on something, then we’d better hope that they’re right or we’re going to need a new political system.

Because the BNP is clearly worried that the presence of Ukip risks splitting the arsehole vote – a vote that Ukip may not court like the BNP does, but would certainly take if it was offered. The trouble with the kind of dog-whistle politics that Ukip practises is that, every so often, it’s going to cause a dog to publicly hump its leg.

The metaphorical dog in this instance is former British tennis star Buster Mottram, a man who has dabbled in politics before. He flirted with the National Front – again this is a metaphor, as to do this literally would be to run all sorts of grisly risks – tried to become a Conservative MP a few times and then joined Ukip.

And so things stood until a few days ago when Mottram turned up uninvited to a meeting of the Ukip national executive. I imagine them sitting at a huge conference table in front of a map of the world with every country except Britain crossed out. He proposed the BNP-Ukip pact and then, according to the Ukip website, ‘had to be escorted out by uniformed police officers’, presumably because he’d eaten all the biscuits. (Incidentally, talking of the Ukip website, I was disappointed that the link ‘Ukip shop’ just takes you back to the home page. I was hoping to order a Ukip English-Polish phrase book, a Ukip spaghetti server and a Ukip pen-with-a-lady-on-it-that-when-you-tip-it-the-lady-goes-nude.)

The awkward position Ukip has been put in by this public offer of undermining friendship from an embarrassing source should be familiar to us all. John McCain would recognise it as the feeling he got when Dick Cheney put the final nail in the coffin of his campaign by saying he supported it. Only the Democrats wanted to publicise that, as Cheney has used the vice-presidency to transform himself into one of the few things on Earth that a cat wouldn’t piss on.

I remember it from school when a boy in my year who was being bullied – I won’t disclose his real name but let’s call him Buster Mottram – tried to make friends with me. Buster Mottram was not a bad child and he didn’t have horrible opinions (unlike Buster Mottram) but he was social death.

I was not particularly popular, although I got by, but I was bitterly aware that my faltering prestige could not take the weight of Buster Mottram’s disastrous unpopularity (I mean the boy from my school, not Buster Mottram – I hope I haven’t made this confusing). The friendship of the captain of the rugby team himself, which wasn’t me, you may be surprised to learn, could barely have restored Buster Mottram’s reputation. He would only drag me down with him and the next thing I knew we’d both be being rolled up in a rug and stuck on top of the lockers. His friendship I could do without.

I’m aware that this story hardly makes me seem like a hero. You’re probably thinking that, if my politics were different and I’d been in the Ukip meeting, I would’ve just sat quietly by and let Buster Mottram have his way with the custard creams (I’m talking about the former world number 15, not my contemporary from school). And there are much better reasons for shrugging off a BNP offer of friendship than merely that it’s the runt of the political litter. But both stories share the same bitter taste of unwanted goodwill.

The fact that some people’s endorsement is of limited value must be occurring to the supermarket chain Iceland at the moment. It emerged last week that it has arranged for Kerry Katona, who does its adverts, to have medical tests to see if she’s an alcoholic. No one said whether it wants to check whether she is or she isn’t, but maybe she’s become a bit too ‘no frills’ even for Iceland’s brand. It booked an accessible ‘girl next door’ type and has ended up with a bankrupt who loses weight by surgery. It may soon come to feel that it would be better off with Buster Mottram (either one).

SPOILER ALERT!

Second TV Centre Recording 7th November 2008. Team: Dan, Jamie, Cheryl, Adam, Wendy, Sinead.

Once again they were also recording Grownups at the same time in another studio so the queue got very long, and freezing cold although the ‘hilarious’ BBC Three sitcom does not have the power to change the weather. Merely a nice garden that they inherited from Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps. We guessed that ‘the other door’ might be used when going over to Studio 8 so we were ready and ended up in the third row, which was good. This week’s studio sets were a living room and a quiz show, with something maybe round the back that we couldn’t see, and we spotted Producer Gareth Edwards, Rob in a mucky suit, David in a clean suit, Mark Evans as a Nazi-ish soldier, and James Bachman in a boiler suit before Lucy Porter appeared and did her warm-up thing that she does…

Studio Sketch 1:
The quiz show set, featuring the British Emergency Broadcast System sketches from the 10th August Drill Hall try out (the second night). They did three of these and worked better with visuals so all was well. James did strange wailing grunting noises, Sarah Hadland screamed a bit and Rob had to fall over for the first time in the evening. There were no technical problems and it worked much better as a full sketch than at the read-through try-out night.

VT Collection 1:
Lazy writers: Spy drama. From last week!
Behind The Scenes: Action figures. We liked.
Obvious marketing phrases.
New Age hospital. From last week!
Captain Todger 1: Not really very good.
30 minutes to talk.
Dying mate’s last wish 1: Penguins. From Drill Hall. David adds another accent to his range.
Captain Todger 2.
Gary Rhodes! Not the same sketch as the one from the third radio series. They are obsessed, very good.
Dying mate 2: Die Hard. From Drill Hall.
Dying Mate 3: Sex with wife. From Drill Hall.

A new set was revealed when the quiz show set was taken apart.

Studio Sketch 2:
Big Talk: Credit Crunch special. Always a popular choice.

Lucy got out a Judy Annual…

VT Collection 2:
Food & Drink 1: Cressps. Nice short silly sketches.
Captain Todger 3.
“By Vectron!” Went on too long.
Mister Darcy, from Drill Hall. Nice and silly.
Lazy TV Writers: “Being a prossie is great!” From Drill Hall, good sketch.
Food & Drink 2: Glucozade Port. Rob has to fall over for the second time this evening.
Captain Todger 4: Donkey charity.
Behind The Scenes: Dignified answer.
Pimms Winter.

Studio Sketch 3:
Ben (Rob) and Lizzie (Abigail) in not-swingers sketch. Went well.

Lucy gave two of the front row uber-fans some Maltesers for contributing the best laughter and got her Judy Annual out again to show off the lovely Peter Davison poster. The not-swingers sketch did a re-take and then the set was changed into a slightly different room.

VT Collection 3:
Captain Todger 5: Under age girl.
Food & Drink 3: Mar-Mit. Rob has to fall over for the third time this evening.
Professor Death’s Death Ray. With CGI!
Films: Posh Jaws. These sketches earned a lot of laughter.
Abraham and Isaac. From Drill Hall.
Behind The Scenes: Text etiquette.
Captain Todger 6: with David as villain and James as Mayor Boris Johnson.
Films: Posh Jaws II.
Kitchen Nightmares-esque show. From Drill Hall.

Studio Sketch 4:
Another party! Lionel (Rob) is a brain surgeon… from the first Drill Hall session (that I did not attend).

Lucy gave the canapes from the sketch to the audience.

VT Collection 4:
Starving explorers’ seasonal food dilemma. Very good.
Films: Polite Taxi Driver. Short and very funny.
Ventriloquist armed robber.
Butler. From first Drill Hall session, classic Mitchell & Webb.
Films: Rude Gandhi.
Behind The Scenes: Sex & The City/Tenko. Very funny.

Studio Sketch 5:
Behind The Scenes sketch filmed in the studio with cameras in the audience.

VT Collection 5:
Bussman & Christmas.
Behind The Scenes: Massage.
Pompei soothsayer.

The end! There will be a recording of laughter for VT sketches at the Radio Theatre in a week and a bit and then it’s all done. It is scheduled for February…

From The Observer:

This has been a week in which Britain has come together. Through the mists of economic and environmental collapse, we have stumbled upon a beacon of hope that, while briefly setting fire to our trousers, has also lit a path of unity. We have formed a rare national consensus, a determination to stand side by side in the name of something we all believe in and agree upon. Not since the Second World War have we felt such moral certainty, such comforting, righteous anger.

We will let the world know that, if there’s one thing our country stands for, it’s this: we don’t think people should ring up respected actors and say they’ve had sex with their granddaughters. And not only do we all think that people shouldn’t do that, we also all firmly believe that when they do, they shouldn’t then put it on the radio. Everyone thinks this now – even the people that did it. Brilliant.

Of course the consensus-hating cynics would say that we’ve merely lathered ourselves into such a hysterical fever that we’ve spent a week repeating and re-repeating a conclusion so bleedin’ obvious that Sybil Fawlty should be answering questions on it on Mastermind. They’d say we’ve taken a lapse in taste and judgment that was egregious but, by any reasonable definition, not particularly harmful, and which has been apologised for by everyone concerned and turned it into an excuse for a moral crusade.

That, in a country racked by social and economic problems that cannot be blamed on a couple of celebrities, we’ve grasped at a tiny issue purely for the assuaging effect of its ethical clarity. That we’ve allowed some people to disguise their envy and rage at two men’s success and wealth as concern for the feelings of a much-loved elderly actor. But those cynics are just killjoys who won’t accept what a fantastic step forward for our civilisation we’ve collectively made. It’s right up there with when we all insightfully concluded that it’s a shame when a princess dies in a car crash.

I’m sure we can now move on to even bolder collective assertions: ‘Kids shouldn’t ring doorbells and then run away’; ‘Post Office closures in rural areas cause widespread inconvenience’; ‘Donkey homelessness is a crying shame.’ Human homelessness is a bit more ambiguous, so it’s probably best to steer clear of that. I mean the humans concerned might have been unruly at school or taken heroin – before you know it, they’ll be on the radio claiming to have given Yootha Joyce’s great-nephew a blowjob – but donkeys should definitely have somewhere to live. And I bet there are 30,000 people just begging to complain about any contention that they shouldn’t.

Because it’s been a particularly lovely week for those 30,000 and rising who’ve found the time in their undoubtedly busy schedules to thank the BBC for taking the trouble to offend them. Obviously, 29,998 of them missed the broadcast, but thanks to the miracle of YouTube and our dispassionate, fact-printing media, they’ve all had the opportunity to catch up and get their fix of what offends them.

They’re an odd bunch, these people who actually enjoy being offended. Some would call them perverts but I, in common with much of the media, think that in our new inclusive society, their fetish should be indulged. In fact, live and let live, it should be celebrated. It’s harmless, if incredibly weird, and they’re an important and growing demographic. In fact, I’m thinking of pitching a TV show specifically targeted at them called Why Don’t You All Go and Fuck Yourselves!? I imagine it’ll be a hit.

And the fun doesn’t stop there. As well as us all being able to hold close to us the warming thought that we shouldn’t leave rude answerphone messages, a significant minority of ‘liberals’ (you know, musicians, comedians, pornographers and the like – I count myself in this group) can be further comforted by their own little consensusette that too much fuss has been made. ‘Too much is being written about it,’ we write about it. ‘It’s ridiculous – no one mentions anything else!’ we cry, not mentioning anything else.

The truth is that this whole farrago has been a hell of a lot of fun for all but about four people in the entire world and that’s more than can be said about the earthquake in Pakistan or the fighting in the Democratic Republic of Congo or the terrorist bombings in India.

But all good things come to an end and, in this case, as in so many, the joy dies with the involvement of politicians. Apart from the fact that you’d think Gordon Brown and David Cameron would want to seem too busy to concern themselves with a Radio 2 show that went wrong, it’s never a good idea for politicians to get involved with comedy. From Margaret Thatcher’s Yes Minister sketch to Tony Blair’s ‘Am I Bovvered?’ appearance, their attempts to associate themselves with humour have generally been awful. The reason for this is that they don’t really care what’s funny.

Being funny involves taking risks and no politician, except possibly Boris Johnson, can understand why anyone would take the slightest risk of public disapproval in order to get a laugh. They’re about power; they don’t understand the instinct to amuse and that’s why Vince Cable’s pretty unfunny remark about Gordon Brown being transformed ‘from Stalin to Mr Bean’ has led to his being acclaimed a great parliamentary wit. Well, it might make them fall about in the Commons, but it would barely raise a smirk at Wimbledon, where even a pigeon perching on the net gets guffaws.

Now the risks taken in Russell Brand’s offending radio broadcast are pretty baffling, it must be said, and what happened was wrong, as both Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand accept. But the instinct to take risks is vital to being funny and is why Ross and Brand are so successful and I’m confident will continue to be. Comedians can’t self-censor before their every remark or they won’t get laughs – politicians must or they won’t get votes.

The latter could not be worse placed to judge the successes and failures of the former and if, as a result of this absurd furore, the ‘on message’ word-watching of politics is imposed on comedy, then we may none of us crack a smile again.

First TV Centre Recording 31 October 2008. Team: Dan, Jamie, Cheryl, Clive, Emma, Adam, Wendy plus cameo appearance from Amanda.

There were quite a few people in the queue when we arrived at our usual too-early time but via the shiny new Wood Lane tube station for the very first time. It transpired that not only were more ‘Golden Balls’ were being made (as was the case the previous week when we went to the recording of Shush) but the BBC Three Lager/Crispsesque ‘Grownups’ was also being made that evening. I am torn via my love for Sheridan Smith as Lucie Miller in Doctor Who but we were kept amused by how little some of the fans of that sitcom were wearing on such a cold evening. We couldn’t avoid talking about the Ross/Brand kerfuffle and came over all ‘Silent Majority’ from John Finnemore’s radio series, as is often the case. Due to three shows having one queue the opening of the doors turned into a slight bundle moment but we all got in pretty sharpish and once the ‘frisking’ had been done some nice snacks were had by all. The ‘Grownups’ fans were constantly taking photographs of each other and trying not to shiver so we had to copy them as we are impressionable…


Adam and Wendy kept their dignity by being out of shot for this.

The Stolen Earth gift set tempted me in the BBC shop but do I really need any more Dalek or David Tennant figures? Probably not. Damn you, not-yet-separately-available Davros! Like that bad time last series, the other studio door was chosen as the important place to get to (across the foyer from where we were) but it all ended well when I rediscovered some spare youthful energy and my pushy side. Off to Studio 8 we went, and marvelled at the wobbly sets which were correctly assumed to be Colin & Ray (from series two) and the drunken B&B from that Drill Hall try-out session way back in August. The obligatory warm-up fear issues were put to rest when Lucy Porter appeared as she did a good job that time on series one but I think her recognition of familiar faces in the second row showed that we were becoming a bit scary in our comedy love. After a brief fire exits routine (not a patch on TMWL producer Gareth Edwards’ own version of course) and some whooping the stars came out, went off for a bit, Lucy found someone with long hair to name Thor (again) and talked to a man in the front row whose glamorous wife couldn’t remember her own name but could remember that she was from the Philipines. Then we got on with it. Now for the SPOILERS…

DO YOU WANT SPOILERS? IF NOT, CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW!

Studio Sketch 1:
The Glugger B&B. As tried out and loved at the Drill Hall, David and James Bachman run a B&B where everyone is pissed. Rob and Sarah Hadland play the couple who stay there, and other drunk guests include Mark Evans and Abigail Burdess. This sketch has two parts to it and includes several bits of VT. Very good. Inbetween takes Lucy found some Americans to talk to, as is the rule of warm-up, and Britney got booed for being a Republican (and maybe for her name too, how mean, as political correctness gone mad stikes again at the BBC!) but the other one passed the Obamarama test. The people on the B&B set topped up the drink bottle with a BBC funnel then they did the second part of the sketch.

VT Collection 1:
Not cooking vegetarian food for guests.Hmmm…
Modern inventions in the olden days. One of the obligatory ye olde sketches.
The Apprentice-style show without the idiots. Good one, we like satire.
Inspector Voirot: Wonder what this could be? Another good one.
Policeman and CSO who do not get on. First of several of these where they only needed one.
Behind the scenes sketch invloving wee.
Atheists find message in melon. Longer sketch, quite good.
Agent Suave: Another long one with cameos from producer Gareth Edwards, writer John Finnemore and a recurring character from both previous series. Very good silly sketch.
Policeman and CSO sketch two.
Behind the scenes sketch involving adult chats.
The alternative doorbell sketch from that Drill Hall session. Got lots of laughs.
Policeman and CSO sketch three.

Lucy returned, brandishing a 1983 edition of TV Times but they are ready to do the next studio sketch, “round the back” so we have to watch on the screens which are strangely out of synch…

Studio Sketch 2:
The King and his Lords are discussing who to give more responsibilities to and it is always Lucentio (played by writer Toby Davies) because the king fancies him. Not particularly hilarious but unintentionally funny when Rob knocks the lute off the table at the end.

VT Collection 2:
Behind the scenes: Not lending a pen. These ‘in character’ ones are always consistently funny.
Victorian behaviour, from the first Drill Hall try-out session in August. Any excuse for dress-up!
Too-honest wedding speech.
New Age Hospital, amusing.
Lazy TV Writers: Spy drama. A bit too silly.

Lucy tried to start her TV Times quiz but the next studio set was ready…

Studio Sketch 3:
Colin and Ray from series 2 in their shared office, about Colin wanting a government grant for being autistic. There are a lot of technical problems with this as the audience screens are again out of synch, Rob’s microphone is not working properly and a lot of the dialogue is very fiddly. A fridge magnet slides doen the filing cabinet, the sound cuts out again, Producer Gareth comes to the set… Lucy discusses her other prop: Thai Bar Guide phrasebook. A few pick-ups are done on the sketch and then the second sketch begins, involving a quit smoking helpline and some more tongue-twisting dialogue. Will be good in the final edit though.

VT Collection 3:
Inspector Voirot again but breaking the fourth wall in a very funny way.
Behind the scenes: running order, very funny again.

Lucy came back, it’s all done and finished by 10 like it’s supposed to be. Rob and David thanked everyone and we slowly left the studio, stopping off at the Tardis on the way where we bump into another of the Uber-Fans. Hello Amanda and goodbye BBC!

Next week: TV Centre part 2 of 2. Then some more location sketches shown at the Radio Theatre with the disappointing bar…